Its a hard knock life!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Scanty Panties- Midshift drift

We’ve all been there, the day before your laundry day. The drawers are getting a mite low. You reach for that last item…way, way …..way back….Damnit I thought I had one more…. I do! One single solitary lone pair of underwear left….PHEW. If you are in any way comparable to me you save the worst for last when it comes to your unmentionables. Here’s the rough schedule: Day 1 –5 The ‘new ones’, Day 6- 10 the ‘favorites’, Day 10-16 the ‘im too lazy to do laundry’, Day 17-20 ‘shat, I really need to get laundry soap’ Day 21-25 the ‘its these or full liberation’. As you can see, by day 21-25 diversity becomes paltry, thus you seize what you are able to find. On this particular day, I would have to say it was verging on day 25…the last pair of the ‘totally hate my life’ kinda foundations! There is a REASON they loiter until Day 25. Apparently there was a sense of urgency as I geared up for work and I seemingly bypassed the reasons for avoidance. I landed myself spank blob in the hub of a very uninviting pair of panties, say it with me, panties - my lanta I hate that word. Through out the subsequent hours of exertion at the business establishment for which I labor, this garment of the under clothing persuasion replenished my memory as to why, in fact I had snubbed them throughout the preceding days of the month. They have a nagging tendency to ascend the fold, and take residence in the dimly lit stadiums of the body. By midshift this torment was verging on epidemic. This had become anything but a ‘ride out’ kind of situation, desperate measures had to be taken if I was to successfully complete any amount of toil. I very nonchalantly knelt down by the rack of candy bars, allowing me to maintain full view of the sales floor, while remaining concealed from any possible interferences, I had a goal after all, I could not be interrupted this premature. As I crouched down to terminate my distress, I reach for the toggle of my agony. Mid-plunge, I hear ‘Coral, what on earth are you doing’. At this point I am so startled, let alone embarrassed that my knees (keeping in mind I am in a full on crouch position, pretending to rearrange chocolate bars) begin to recoil and I can feel it, as if I am in slow motion, the speed of plummet increases as I begin my rapid decent onto my ass, toppling backwards into the cash register, the candy airborne in all directions. Now comes the explaining myself….’Coral, I asked you what you were doing!?’ How is one to answer? “well, you see, I have a schedule and today just happens to be day 25, do you understand what day TWENTY FIVE MEANS…well let me explain, you see, I have a schedule…’

29 Comments:

At 1:47 AM, Blogger brian g said...

isn't it funny that we'll wear the old ones, holes and all rather than wear a pair that is perhaps less dirty than the rest?
i had this one pair that i kept wearing because they used to be my "favourites" even after they had a hole big enough to be shat from. thank god i threw them away before something truly embarassing happened.
this story reminds me of adjusting myself at work yesterday while my coworker (all my coworkers are of the female persuasion) was looking away. what i didn't realize until after i was mid-adjustment was that she was siting in front of a window and it was dark outside. likely she could catch an eyeful in the reflection.
the difference between men and women? i just kept on going :)

 
At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wont lie, I just buy enough underwear and socks just so that I would never have to do laundry for like 3 months.....I blieve that would be 100 or so pairs of each, Id give the extra few, just incase you shit yourself, cause Lord knows I'm now 21 and I've shit myself more times this past year than I did when I was a child.....hah, Im jokin, but the extra is just in case.....trust me, you'd hate to run out before the actual laundry day.
Sincerly the guy with no name

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger Coral said...

whats with all the crap stories lol..the theme here was a wedgy not shat!!!!

 
At 1:23 AM, Blogger The Armchair Theologian said...

Ho boy! Do I know all about the schedule! I've gotta throw out some of the old pairs fer sure. I have a few pairs of underwear that look like they've been attacked by a feret...or maybe even a hyena. Strange enough though, I still have them.
I realized the other day that I was using a pair for a dust rag because I didn't want to 'waste' them and toss them. When I realised I was wiping down my TV with my old '3 streak specials', I decided that nobody should ever know what I've done. I'll probably throw them out tomorrow...well, maybe.

 
At 1:27 AM, Blogger Coral said...

sir, you ummm...disgust me lol..im NEVER watching tv with you AGAIN!!!! and screw this whole getting up to change the channel, its called a REMOTE!

 
At 3:51 PM, Blogger Briananthony said...

awesome story.....what excuse did you come up with?

 
At 8:56 AM, Anonymous uknowme said...

Coral.... THROW THEM OUT.. If I can give you any words of wisdom in this short life... Do it! I am always available to aid you in any "I don't know what to do" situation... (when it comes to keeping old trash, remember the motorhome???? ;) Funny... you had no trouble removing a certain pair of animal print......

 
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At 4:38 PM, Blogger Coral said...

why would i care? lol post on someone elses blog you wiener, no offense of course!

 
At 5:17 PM, Anonymous Tamara said...

Hey Coral,
You are hilarious....I didn't know you had a blog. I will become a regular reader fo' sho'. Good luck with the panty problem. I fully understand. talk to you soon. or at least hear your side of the story soon:)
Luv your old chum,
Tamara

 
At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Ayinde' said...

Coral, that is so funny. I feel you though sometimes you just have to get it out. That's like the time I was in Atlanta doing Yolanda Adams makeup. I just put her moisturizer on her face and she went to the restroom. I bent down to get something out of my kit and got a huge wedgy. I was trying to wait until she came out of the restroom and then I'd run in and get it out. She was taking to long so I decided to go ahead and pull it out. She cam out of the restroom and said "I hope you going to wash your hands!" I was so embarrased. I think that's why she never called for my services again. LOL

 
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