Its a hard knock life!

Friday, November 10, 2006

730 days and many men later

I am sitting in biology and not entertained in the slightest!
I have decided I am fed up - i have homework coming out my ears and an incredible lack of finances with which to ease my study stress.
Life as i know it is probably at the best its been in about 3 years, but I still feel totally frustrated with so much.
This week I am dealing with the reasons of WHY I need to be single and it is incredibly difficult. I go through phases of dealing with the 'deeper' issues of why I am so male relation dependent.
I went to the Women of Faith Conference in Vancouver last Saturday , it’s a conference of 5000+ women- held in GM Place. My sister and I sat there and laughed, cried - ate chocolate and laughed harder…too hard!
At one point in the conference the speaker made reference to 'single women' well - I let out a chirp…apparently a LOT louder then I had originally planned, as from the stage she suggested that I had ''learnt to be content in my singleness - or perhaps was just happy to be rid of someone'' from there a slight giggle riffled throughout the entire building - it was at that moment I realized, yes, I'm slowly learning, but I'm not there yet.
I watch my past boyfriends seemingly pass me by - starting new relationships, getting engaged - having babies. A part of me feels jealous, partially sad. I don’t want to be with them, but shouldn’t they still want to be with me? What do you mean, they have gotten over me?! WHAT? How is THAT possible?! Its as if the grip on what I thought I controlled slowly slips away.
But huh?
I don’t want to be with them, yet I expect them to remain enamored with me - how do I justify this?
It is in this apparent 'rejection' that I feel like I scrabble to catch up, but why? Why don’t I feel equally successful while single? Why do I feel like I'm 'falling behind' merely because I am waiting for the right person. Lord knows I've had my fair share of wrong ones. Why do I even consider this rejection? It is as if the 'break up' was the first rejection (even when initiated by me) and it is when they move on that I am hit with the blow of the second rejection.

Why is this a big deal to me right here right now? In the last 2-3 weeks I have bumped into 3 of my exes, and all of them are in relationships - a couple are engaged…I am…still blogging about them…sad …sad…sad.

I am over them - I am over the desire of a relationship with them, but I am not over the desire for a relationship in general; thus I go back to what I know - or memories of what I knew. Memories which are skewed. Have you ever noticed memories don’t seem to retain the negatives and even worse then this, they magnify the positives?

Bottom line - I don’t want to be with anyone I've been with. I need 90% faith, 10% patience, and eventually 1 hot man.

4 Comments:

At 9:18 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

Wow. That was deep. I almost read to the end of the first paragraph.

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger Coral said...

so why bother commenting?

 
At 9:41 PM, Blogger LBomb said...

To let you know that I almost made it to the end of the first paragraph.

 
At 3:14 AM, Blogger Coral said...

uh. thanks. :P

 

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